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An update! It's been a long time since I was updating this site on a regular basis. This is for a multitude of complex reasons, each more complex than the last. But they basically all ball down to "I couldn't be bothered". (In a series of very complex ways, of course.) So, just to keep you all interested, I thought I'd just post a small snippet of something I did recently. Please feel free to leave comments using the tool at the bottom of the page. Necron Farewell, stealer of souls and small time dictator, was having some trouble. It was called Jarvis, his henchman. “So let me get this straight.” Said Necron, speaking in the forlorn tones of those addressing, well, Jarvis. “The Essence of Torment, which we spent several months distilling from the very souls of our slain enemies-” “Yes…” Jarvis replied, dragging his feet. “-which you were instructed to guard with your miserable LIFE. Remember that, Jarvis?” “Erm. Yeah” “And you drank it, Jarvis?” “Thought it might be a m’rcle hangover cure.” Jarvis sulked, explanatorily. “Jarvis, that liquid was the very embodiment of EVIL.” Necron said, his voice bursting with suppressed anger. “Well- I washed it down with some rum to disguise the taste.” There was a silence. “So. For a hangover cure, you decided to mix together strong alcohol with a substance best described as liquid death?” “And some aniseed.” Jarvis explained. “I’m not stupid.” There was another silence. “It kinda worked.” Jarvis said, awkwardly. “Jarvis- whatever that…” Necron flailed his arms wildly, trying to find words for the noxious substance, “-that liquid did to you, it did NOT do you any good.” “I feel fine…” Jarvis muttered. “Jarvis. ONE DROP of that stuff was enough to take down an ENTIRE VILLAGE!” “Yeh, but I aint no lightweight.” “Jarvis, it really DID NOT do you any good, at all. In fact, by all medical logic, you should be dead. Your continued existence can be explained only by the fact that you’re too STUPID to realize you’re dead.” “Well I feel fine.” Jarvis declared defiantly. “I don’t think it even effected me.” “You’re GLOWING PURPLE!” Necron screamed. “The fact that you’re still BREATHING is pure defiance.” Then, after thinking for a second, Necron added. “And for this defiance, I’m docking a month’s pay.” Jarvis groaned, but did not complain. “So how much do I owe you now?” “Was it four or four and a half month’s pay? I forget. Either way, you owe me big, Jarvis. Now go and fetch my spellbook, and please try not to drink it.” - Sam Smith (Permenant Link) Skiing. 30th Jan 05 Skiing is a wonderful sport, and it really is such an easy concept; put on a pair of skiis, and go. It sounds so simple. But in reality, it's not quite that easy. For one thing, the slopes are littered with assorted trees, wildlife, and fellow skiiers (the hitting of which forms the basis of the Olympic skiing score system). For another, you've just come flying off your skiis and landed face down in ten feet of snow. And no, you haven't left your living room yet. But there are a couple of things to help tip the balance in your favour. For example, you get some massively expensive sticks called ski poles. (Yes; the same massively expensive sticks you spent last night playing swords with, which are now roughly circular). These sticks can be used to push you along, help you balance, "accidentally" obstruct other's progress through the lift ques, and to close the ability gap between you and the pros the easy way. Another thing that counts as a definate pro-skiier benefit, is the fact that you are not, in fact, a snowboarder. This means that you, while not looking as cool, probably do know roughly where you want to go, and that you might spend as much as TEN PERCENT of your holiday upright. But, should the worst happen, you can rest assured that you are in good hands. The ski medical service is so efficient that not only do they take the injured down the slopes fast and safely, but they also take you before you get the chance to injure yourself. Take, for example, this conversation, which is a typical mountain scene: Snowboarder: AAAAAAAARGGGGGGhelpmeohgodohgodohgodAAAAAARGGGG! *splat* Medic: Eep? Are you OK? Snowboarder: Of course. It's what I do. Medic: Are you sure? You're not getting up. Snowboarder: I'm a snowboarder. I LIVE down here. Medic: So you're totally fine? Snowboarder: Yup. Snowbathing, that's all. Medic: Not injured in any way? Medic2: *pant* Arrived fast as I could! Is he ok? Snowboarder: Yup. Not even a scratch. Medic: Well, he's obviousl- GET HIM! At which point, the medics will kidnap you, place you on a stretcher, and refuse to release you until you have paid their ransom, which will delivered in the guise of "doctor's fees". A typical fee would be two and a half years wages and an internal organ of your choice. This is one of the reasons why it's so important to get travel insurance. This is actually a relatively easy and inexpensive feat, providing that you are in good health, and that you promise to do all your skiing within the privacy of your own home. But, whatever it's pitfalls and downsides, skiing is honestly a very fun activity. After all, where else are you able to, in a single graceful movement, take out two trees, 16 Austrians, and one unfortunate mountain cafe? What's more, where else would this feat automatically qualify you to join the pro-leagues? Hard to beat, really. - Sam Smith (Permenant Link) Internet Banking Don't you just love internet banking? All the security measures that are in place give a nice feel of security by making sure that nobody can get at your money. Especially not you. To sign up, a typical internet bank or credit card company will require: a valid email address, your passport, other documentation, your fingerprints, the deeds to your home, an activation code found inside special packs of corn flakes, and a DNA sample. They will also, for security reasons, require naked photos of your wife. But eventually, several days and two nervous breakdowns later, you will have successfully registered for online banking. Enjoy the triumphant feeling, which will last for approximately twelve seconds, at which point you will receive an email something along the lines of the following: "Dear Mr. Smith. Our finance department has reviewed your account, and we have found it neccecary to change your account status. Your normal internet banking experience will not be disrupted, except that we have limited outgoing transactions to thirteen pence per day. Our accounts department has also reviewed your account, and has come to the conclusion that your wife is hot." But, once all this is finally out of the way you can sit back, relax, and enjoy the joys of internet banking, which, among other things, lets you see your statements online. So you will always know exactly HOW many people want to reposess your house. All you need is your username, your password, and your activation code. (A 12 digit number safely stored in a letter you burnt 9 months ago for safe keeping.) Forgotten your activation code? No problem, so has everyone else. All you'll need instead, is your security questions. These are highly personal questions which only you should know, The good thing about these, is that they aren't written in a letter you destroyed in 1992. The bad thing about these, is that six months ago, you thought it would be a brilliant idea to set your security question as "What am I thinking right now?" - Sam Smith (Permenant Link) How to survive Christmas. Fri, 24 Dec 2004 It's Christmas again. This fact is easily identifiable because you're feeling festive, you've spent the day sat at home watching reruns, and your sofa is being repossessed. This is because of the true spirit of Christmas, and what Christmas really means (literally: "you're broke" in Latin). And so, without further ado, or even any RELATED introduction: I present to you, my Christmas Survival Guide! 1) When the Christmas dinner is presented, a vicious frenzy will ensue. During the stampede, be sure to keep your elbows tucked in, avoid any flailing forks, and try to look as little like a turkey dinner as possible. 2) Crackers are diverse and wondrous things, and can yield any number of interesting surprises. Mini screwdriver sets, for example, are incredibly useful. Especially when it comes to removing other cracker-junk from children's ears. -- Just be wary of the more expensive crackers, which have been known to include power tools. 3) If any drunken fat men try to break in through your chimney, hold out your new pocket screwdrivers threateningly. 4) Try not to see thoughtful gifts just as useless crap. Think of them as recyclable presents for next year. Or, failing that, as firewood. 5) No matter what you think- you are NOT ok to drive. 6) When asked what you want for Christmas, do not jokingly say "Anything except socks!" -- This will result in twenty pairs of boxer shorts. (Yup, that's right, more firewood.) 7) While wearing tinsel and a party hat can increase festiveness by up to 60%, these items should be worn in ADDITION to clothes. 8) I hate to break this to you, but a red hat does NOT make you Santa - I'm gonna need to see some ID. Well I hope that my advice has been somewhat useful, and will help you survive the festive season. Enjoy yourself, and if you see Santa, CATCH HIM! He owes me a Barbie doll. Oh, and despite what the other drunks say, you're STILL not OK to drive. Merry Christmas guys! - Sam Smith (Permenant Link) Politics Tue 14 Dec 2004 With the American presidential election behind us, analysts have turned their attention to the election that will be held here - in little old England. They are weighing up and evaluating the candidates, their policies, and the voter demographics. And by that, obviously, I mean "playing with crayons". This is because analysts like to predict which way different regions will swing in the election, and carefully colour them in according to which party will most likely control the area. The reasoning for this is simple: the chances are that whoever fills in the most regions will then go on go on to win - a new colouring book that is, and perhaps some crayons - assuming they don't go over the lines. I don't have any specific scoring information, but early reports do indicate bad news for the Green party; most of the country has been coloured in the opposition's colours- and all that paint CAN'T be good for the environment. (Green party motto: "Stop using OUR crop duster to paint Bridlington.") This year, the election is between the established leader, Tony Blair, who is going for his third term of office, and the newcomer, Michael Howard, famous for his indecisiveness. For example, here are a few recent opinions on the Iraq war (taken at various stages this morning): 1) We're all for it. 2) No, we're not, it's a senseless war! 3) Wait, how about a compromise - let's just invade Cuba. 4) I-what? 5) Oh yes, that, the war. We're all for it. Anyway, either way there's advantages; with Labour we know that Tony Blair is a familiar face, but if the Conservatives get in, then the public will be brung back in touch with important national issues. (Decided by phone-in vote on an ITV reality show hosted by Ant and Dec.) Either way, I am sure that the nation will proudly come together in a glorious show of patriotism - voting off the Minister of Education. - Sam Smith (Permenant Link) Next Page >> |
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