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Exams This week, I've had so many various tests and exams (driving test, A level exams, drug tests, sanity tests, etc..) that they've all mixed together into one unseemly mass. For example, I was one of the few people in the whole of England to fail English Literature on the emergency stop. Now, this is a stressful time for the nation's student population, so I've provided the following helpful exam tips. (Disclaimer: Please remember that these should not be treated as a substitute for hard work, knowledge, or good advice. Also, in most states, reading this guide does NOT make you a either a qualified teacher or a vetinarian, just a smart-ass.) 1) Turn up. This is an essential skill, and one that you should of practiced during your lesser exams. Extra points are available for turning up to the right exam, being roughly on time, and remembering your candidate number. (Or, if this fails; your name.) 2) Cheat with the full force of Political Correctness: Gone are the dark ages, where cheating involved hiding brief notes behind your sleeve. Now you simply have to cover your entire body in notes. If anyone tries to stop you, claim descrimination based on the biro-toned colours of your skin. 3) Answer the question. - This is perhaps the most common piece of advice I have been given, and it has been reiterated with a depressing frequency. I don't know which philosopher was the brain behind this groundbreaking technique, but I personally believe that it is this piece of advice, not increasing standards, that's responsible for the rise in A level pass rates. Before this revolutionary advice was issued to students, it was common practice to burn, eat, or --during the Renaissance period-- to sodomise your question papers. These old methods are now frowned upon, and can earn you no higher than a C. 4) Remember the catch-all answers: - If you don't know the answer to a specific question, remember the old favourites: "Why do you want to know?", "I know, I'm just not telling", and "It's a secret." - These infallible answers should save you from any complicated situations. And what examiner could possibly fail you, when in response to a question like "What is 4 to the power of 8?" you've kept your composure; calmly and coolly responding with "Your mamma"? (Check the mark scheme). Q: But that's blatantly not on the mark scheme. You could cause people to FAIL. How do you justify LYING to people for a cheap laugh? A: I know you are, but what am I? Q: Wow! Catch-all answers really DO work! A: That's for me to know and you to find out. Q: I love you, have some money! A: Yes. Yes I will. 5) And finally, don't be afraid to use what you know. - Just because you learnt something in Sociology, doesn't mean you can't use it, where appropriate, in your History exam. Therefore it logically follows that you could write your entire Politics essay in French -- just be creative. (I bet the examiner has never seen a numerical explanation of Shakespeare's 'Othello' before; just remember to show your working.) I hope this guide has been useful, and good luck in your exams. Just remember, on the day, take calm, deep breaths, and make sure you don't start writing before checking both your mirrors and your blindspot. - Sam Smith By Sam Smith. |
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