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Telemarketers Telemarketers are a strange breed of people, created by a higher being for the sole purpose of fulfilling their destiny; to sell you, yes- YOU, a new mobile phone. Absolutely free for the first two years - assuming you don't mind signing up for a contract that's roughtly twice that of your mortgage, and that comes with smallprint containing more words than are actually found in the English language. They even took this idea further, making the intelligent leap of sending their mobile-phone sales pitches- that's right- direct to your mobile phone. INGENIOUS! This has the added advantage of giving people maximum annoyance, while circumventing the inconvenient chance that someone might actually be INTERESTED in the product. To me, this new generation of stupid sales pitches signal the following: 1) Technology has evolved, and is now able to annoy you far more efficiently. 2) Marketers have evolved, and they now do all their thinking on pocket calculators. 3) Answering machines need to evolve, preferably to the point where they are trained to kill, on sight, anything vaguely resembling a salesperson. -And it’s no longer just offers of unwanted physical items (eg. a new mobile phone, laptop or combination scanner/printer/ninja-robot), but immaterial items that are increasingly being offered to us. More and more often, phone calls are going like this: ”Hello?” ”Hallo There. Am I speaking to Mr. and or Mrs. Michaels?” ”No.” “Mrs. Michaels, are you entirely happy with your mortgage?” ”I’m not Mrs. Michaels-“ ”Aaah, you’re not?” “No, I’m not, I’m-“ ”Well, seeing as your unhappy with your mortgage, we’ve taken the liberty of signing you up for OUR new, infinitely better mortgage, with the Bank of Eastern Mongolia.” “I’m already with the Bank of Eastern Mongolia-“ ”Don’t worry Mrs. Michaels! Your old bank shall not be troubling you ANY more! Now, seeing as you’re now one of our loyal customers, would you like to hear about our childcare services?” ”If you don’t stop harassing me RIGHT NOW I’m calling the police. And if you call me Mrs. Michaels one more time I’ll also be calling the hospital very shortly.” “In that case Mrs. Michaels, you will be happy to know that Eastern Mongolia Telecom now offers FREE calls to the emergency services!” “BEEEEEEEEEP...” These conversations will occur about ten times per day. Then, realising they’re not getting anywhere, the call centre will change tact: ”Hello…” “Ah! Hallo again Mrs. Michaels!” “I’m not-“ ”Do you have any friends and or family who you would recommend East Mongolia Telecom to, Mrs. Michaels?” “NO! Absolutely no way.” “That is very unfortunate, Mrs. Michaels. Everyone should have a friend. Perhaps I might interest you in our mail-order bride service?” ”Firstly, you seem to think I’m a bloody Mrs. Michaels, so your argument is deeply flawed, and mail order brides is incredibly inhumane!” “Do not be alarmed, Mrs. Michaels. East Mongolia Mail Order Brides does NOT come under the classification of ‘inhumane’.” “It’s incredibly cruel to the bride! That’s inhumane.” “No Mrs. Michaels. Technically it’s ‘animal cruelty’-“ “BEEEEEEEEEP...” I’m sure that every one of you has heard of that classic T.V moment where, taking man’s first steps onto the moon, Neil Armstrong was interrupted by a transmission asking him if he would like a new mobile phone. Right now, our countries’ space programs are diligently scanning the skies for that first trace of a signal offering us a mobile phone sent from The Eastern Martian Telecoms Corporation, sent to us COMPLETELY free on the simple condition that we send our children off to their slave labour camp (also known as East Mongolia Childcare) to become telemarketers. - Sam Smith By Sam Smith. |
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